Yoke Up and Love Yourself

Writing is therapeutic for me.  There is something about pouring your heart out on paper that brings healing.  There is something even deeper when you allow yourself to make it public- to be vulnerable for the sake of others, to inspire, to stir up the ground so a lesson takes root.  But I am going to get real honest..

It's been too hard this year.

It's been to hard to sit down with my tired self.  It's been too hard to type the letters, that formulate the words that can even come close to accurately portray my messy heart.  And, the truth is... I haven't wanted to.  It's not just making it public, I couldn't even find the emotional energy to write it in my beloved journal.   It was just too hard.

I found myself daily with a certain amount of emotional energy and I chose to pour everything I had into people- Elijah, our foster son that we had for almost a whole year, his mom who is in the midst of her own struggle of addiction, hurting neighbors, and our own kids.  And now, we find ourselves with a little 3 year old girl- who has been moved 8 times in her short 3 years of life.  Her trauma is extensive, her wounds run deep and the only way she knows how to communicate is screaming and misbehaving to get the attention she desperately craves.

Monsters have come out of me in the last few months that I didn't even know existed- Impatience, anger, self-hatred, pride...  These "monsters" have many different faces, but they all have a common trait- they want to steal, kill and destroy the abundant life in me and my family.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."   John 10:10


I read this verse in the midst of trying to "tame" the monsters and I was stuck on the truth that Jesus came to give life and life abundant.  Then why do I feel like I am drowning all the time?
I want to thrive in my days, not just survive them.  I don't want to feel like I am just keeping my head above water.  And, to be completely frank.. I was mad.  I told God, "I am pouring out everything to serve you and love on the broken and I am running on fumes."  I was completely empty- grieving my foster sons that have left (even though there's joy in their permanency), the brokenness of the world, the pain and heartache of addiction, the hopeless look in my neighbor's eyes... it's just too overwhelming.  It's too hard.  This is "abundant" life, God?

Then He reminded me of this verse:
"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:30

Somehow in the midst of living in a state of grief, adjusting to new "normals" constantly, I became a person pulling all the heavy burdens of so many.  I saw myself pulling this huge old cart with heavy rocks all by myself.  It wasn't a quick switch one day, but a gradual letting go of being yoked up with God.  No wonder I am so exhausted... I de-yoked.

In the midst of this revelation, my eyes started to open and see the way I abuse myself- refusing to have self -love and self care.  I beat myself up over and over again over my shortcomings and failures- not being enough, doing enough for everyone that needs it.  Even though pouring out and serving is complete joy to me, there was a hard reality that I don't take care of myself.   And if I can't take care of myself then everyone else is getting my leftover fumes... and that doesn't help anyone.

Loving yourself and taking care of yourself does not equal selfishness.  

I had the head knowledge of this, but I am now learning how to actually live in to it.  I don't think it's something that people can perfectly master because every season brings on new challenges, but I already feel like the burden has lightened.  It took yoking back up with God to see my empty abused self.  And when I did, He was there to walk me through how to start letting Him love on me, and love myself too.

My tattoo on my wrist is a simple reminder of the commands of the Lord that sum them all up:
Love God 
Love others. 

A friend once told me regarding my tattoo, "You forgot one.  You forgot Love Yourself."  As I scoffed at the idea (thinking it was a selfish thought), she reminded me that the scripture says "Love your Neighbor as yourself."  Well, if you don't love yourself well... how can you love your neighbors well?

I am passionate about inspiring others to live a life poured out, but learning to yoke up with God and taking care of yourself is essential in ministry.

Love Yourself
Don't leave people with your stinky fumes.